Sunday, January 8, 2012
2011 in Review
In the land of douche bags, The Situation is their king. He’s such a douche bag that Abercrombie & Fitch, the official clothing line of douche bags worldwide, offered him money to stop wearing their clothes for fear of tarnishing their image. Now THAT’S a douche bag.
With the release of their collaboration with Lou Reed, Lulu, Metallica now owns the world record for most career suicide attempts. Not to be outdone, previous record-holder George Lucas plans to reclaim the title by making The Phantom Menace the first film of his Star Wars saga to be re-released in 3-D. Really???
In an effort to promote awareness and raise money to help preserve the dwindling environment of the polar bear, Coca-Cola released a special series of white soda cans. Weeks later, the cans were discontinued because people were mistaking them for Diet Coke. I’m not sure what is worse, the fact that no one bothers to read the freaking label, or the fact the Coca-Cola basically said, “Screw the polar bears…no one’s buying Coke!”
A woman, thinking she was paying to see an action film similar to The Fast and the Furious, sued the producers of the film, Drive, for false advertising. Inspired by this idiot, the staff of Free Kittens has decided to sue any studio that ever used the meaningless term, ‘beyond imagination,’ in promoting their films. After all, these films are obviously not beyond imagination because someone freaking imagined them. Hence, false advertising.
A woman sued Wal-Mart after she was overcharged two cents for a package of sausage. She won $100. Once again inspired by one American’s attempt to collect a check without doing anything to earn it, the staff of Free Kittens (me) sued his wife for spending too much at the grocery store. She now owes him nightly backrubs and complete control of the TV remote.
Speaking of Wal-Mart, Free Kittens has learned that ESPN will stop broadcasting boxing matches, claiming it would be far less expensive to simply set up cameras in any Wal-Mart store on Black Friday and record the mayhem.
A nine year old student was suspended two days for sexual harassment after he was overheard calling one of his teachers ‘cute.’ On a related note, Free Kittens has learned that a recent newborn child was arrested for having the gall to emerge from the womb with an exposed penis.
Former wizard apprentice Harry Potter just recently discovered that a degree from Hogwarts, while impressive, doesn’t provide him with any actual employable skills.
Around the world, thousands of kids who became experts at games like Guitar Hero suddenly realized they could have better spent all that time actually learning how to play the guitar.
Millions of Tweeters worldwide suddenly came to the realization that nobody gives a damn about what they have to say.
Kim Kardasian’s marriage and immediate divorce was headline news in 2011. Meanwhile, the death of Anne McCaffery, one of the most prolific and best-selling sci-fi writers of all time, went by nearly unnoticed. I’m sorry…I have no punch line for this one.
Jersey Shore Christmas ornaments. Seriously. I saw them at Walgreen’s. There’s one of The Situation lifting his shirt to show off his six-pack. I have no punch line for this one either.
After a news story broke that a children’s book available on Amazon.com, The Trinity of Superkidds, was authored by a convicted serial killer who likes to write naked in the dark, sales to the book briefly increased dramatically, outselling books by struggling writers who never even got so much as a parking ticket (and, yes, I’m referring to me).
The video game series, The Legend of Zelda, was the first to be inducted into the Video Game Hall of Fame. I guess that means such games as Pong, Pac-Man and Donkey Kong had absolutely zero impact of the gaming industry. On a related note, Free Kittens has learned the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame has announced that all their previous inductees have been removed to make room for Britney Spears, since it is obvious only the past twenty years truly matter in the course of human history.
Michael Jackson is still dead, and has been for almost two years, The maggots have since picked his carcass clean. That hasn’t stopped millions of born-again Michael Jackson fans willing to forgive high-profile cases of child molestation accusations. I guess, when you’re dead, all is forgiven. The powers-that-be even managed to convict Jackson’s doctor in order to free Jackson from blame for his own death. Yeah, that makes sense…the previous 30 years of never being told no had nothing to do with it. Hey, everyone…the guy is DEAD. He was a once musical genius, but he also liked young boys, got hooked on drugs and fell in love with his own celebrity. Get over it.